Vulnerability

For those that know me, I am a pretty open book and if you were to ask me how I am, I would take that question quite literally and answer honestly. Not with the intention for you to comment or fix anything, but more as an invitation to check in with myself to see how I truly am in this moment.

A while ago, I listened to this podcast ep by Brene Brown - Unlocking Us Podcast https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-anatomy-of-trust on the Anatomy of Trust where she goes deep in her take on trust. I highly recommend having a listen, but below, I’d like to share my key takeaways.

“Trust is built in very small moments.” says Brene. 

“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else.” says Charles Feltman.

 Here is an excerpt from the transcript of this podcast ep:

BRAVING because when we trust, we are braving connection with someone. So what are the parts of trust?

B, boundaries. I trust you. If you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you’re clear about my boundaries and you respect them, there is no trust without boundaries.

R, reliability. I can only trust you if you do what you say you’re going to do, and not once.   So what reliability is, is you do what you say you’re going to do over and over and over again. You cannot gain and earn my trust if you’re reliable once, because that’s not the definition of reliability. In our working lives, reliability means that we have to be very clear on our limitations, so we don’t take on so much that we come up short and don’t deliver on our commitments.

A, accountability. I can only trust you if when you make a mistake, you’re willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. I can only trust you if when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologize, and make amends. No accountability, no trust.

V, The vault. What I share with you, you will hold in confidence; what you share with me I will hold in confidence. We don’t understand the other side of the vault, that’s only one door on the vault. Here’s where we lose trust with people. You have just shared something with me that was not yours to share, and now my trust for you, even though you’re gossiping and giving me the juice, now my trust for you is completely diminished. So the vault is not just about the fact that you hold my confidences, it’s that in our relationship, I see that you acknowledge confidentiality. Here’s the tricky thing about the vault, a lot of times, we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hot wire connection with a friend. So the vault means you respect my story, but you respect other people’s story.

I, Integrity. I cannot trust you and be in a trusting relationship with you, if you do not act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same. So what is integrity? Three pieces. It’s choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values.

N, Non-judgment. I can fall apart, ask for help, and be in struggle without being judged by you, and you can fall apart and be in struggle and ask for help without being judged by me, which is really hard because we’re better at helping than we are asking for help. And we think that we’ve set up trusting relationships with people who really trust us because we’re always there to help them, but let me tell you this, if you can’t ask for help and they cannot reciprocate that, that is not a trusting relationship. And when we assign value to needing help, when I think less of myself for needing help, whether you’re conscious of it or not, when you offer help to someone, you think less of them too. You cannot judge yourself for needing help, but not judge others for needing your help, and somewhere in there, if you’re like me, you’re getting value from being the helper in a relationship, you think that’s your worth, but real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgment.

The last one is G, Generosity. Our relationship is only a trusting relationship if you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviours, and then check in with me, 

Because if BRAVING relationships with other people is BRAVING connection, self-trust is BRAVING self-love, self-respect, the wildest adventure we’ll ever take in our whole lives.

And so a lot of times, if you find yourself in struggle with trust, the thing to examine first is your own marble jar, how you treat yourself, because we can’t ask people to give to us something that we do not believe we’re worthy of receiving. And you will know you’re worthy of receiving it when you trust yourself above everyone else. 

When I first listened to this ep, I jotted down my views that I thought I’d share.

Tuesday, 28 May 2024 - 8:53 PM

In this past week, I have noticed with both my children how different they are with others, specifically their teachers at school and childcare and it has made me think about how we have different roles to play in our everyday lives and how our varied levels of trust dictate how vulnerable we are. To give context, my 1 year old will take himself to bed for nap time at childcare, but at home with me, it is SUCH A STRUGGLE! But he is being his full self with me, showing all his vulnerability and his craving for connection and cuddles with mum.

Every one of us plays many roles every day. The roles of child, student, friend, colleague, neighbour, parent and even stranger. How often are we sharing 100% of ourselves to these different relationships? I dare to say, that with the exception of our partner or bestie, never.

And why? Well to protect ourselves against hurt. Emotional, social and even psychological pain.

As Brene mentioned in the above podcast episode, trust is built in small moments. Seemingly insignificant moments that build and build up until someone has earned your trust. And then the trust it takes to share vulnerable aspects of your life to those in your middle & outer friendship circles.

One of my absolute favourite things about working with mothers, it the realisation the these women come to when they have the opportunity to look within and learn who they are now, in this season of life and gain the confidence to live their most authentic life. They take the time to develop self trust.

So if you could say with confidence, how would you describe who you are? And then, who would you trust enough to share that with?